Fucking Gallente Space

Facepalm (v):

  1. To bring the palm of one’s hand to one’s face as an expression of mixed humor and disbelief or disgust or shame, for example, when one is caught off-guard with a particularly bad pun.
  2. To bring one’s face down to one’s cupped hand or hands.

There’s never a good loss. The blinking killmail attached to your character sheet after getting blown up is never something I’m proud of, but usually it isn’t accompanied by such a feeling of shame.

Just moments ago, my blockade runner was destroyed by the Gallente Navy. You know them. They’re those big NPC piloted ships that never do anything until I arrive in system. You might think they’re nice normal dudes. They’re not. They’re dicks and I hate them with every fiber of my immortal being. Talk about holding a grudge! I killed “some” (read as a few thousand) of their pilots a “long” (read as yesterday) time ago, and they still want to kill me every time I venture into their space.

It’s just rude.

What happened was I had decided to clean up some loose assets I had lying around the universe. One item was a good 20 jumps away, all through hi-sec and well I was sleepy. A catnap on autopilot seemed like a great idea. What’s the worst that can hap…

Oh right I could lose my fucking ship.

I’d like to say I’ve learned my lesson, but let’s be honest. The next time I need to make a 10 jump plus trip through hi-sec, I’m probably going to do it again. The good news of the day is that I’m finally trading in all my LP from the Ministry of Internal Order and buying a bunch of Imperial Navy Heat Sinks. Calculations show about 600 million isk profit, which will be handy since I need a new fucking blockade runner.

Scary Hallway and a Near Miss

It’s been a few days since the last time I logged into Eve and I’m anxious to get the ball rolling. A loading screen greets me at the login. What the feck? Oh, I’m in a station. I chuckle to myself realizing I haven’t logged off in a station in a very long time. I didn’t even recognize the captains quarters settings or my own avatar! Where the hell am I?

It slowly starts coming back to me. I had left the wormhole to fly out to the New Caldari area. I have a friend who is just getting into the game and wanted to give him a hand with some of the basics and help him get through a few missions. My Punisher floated in front of me comfortably docked in the Caldari station. My friend isn’t online, so I might as well get back to the wormhole. I undock, set my destination to our static bookmark and warp to the first gate. It will be about 18 jumps with a few lo-sec systems along the way but nothing a frigate shouldn’t be able to get through.

Or not…

I want to describe what happened here in terms that a non-eve player would understand because I think it will be fun. Image yourself in a room with a few doors in it. Each door leads to a long hallway with another door at the end of it. In order to enter the hallway you need to shut the door behind you. You have no way of knowing what is in the next room, you must commit to walking down the hallway and opening that door in order to find out. Simple right? Ok now imagine that when you open the door at the far end of the hallway you are greeted with the following image.

The room is full of corpses. They’re in the corners, splattered on the walls, suspended from the ceilings. Death is everywhere. There are two enormous guys in the middle of the room holding nets and the biggest guns you’ve ever seen. They only reason you’re not dead already is because you’re invisible when you first step through the door to this room. They know you’re there. They saw the door open, they just can’t see you yet. What do you do? You try to run. Run as fast as you can. But it doesn’t matter because their net is already thrown and now you can’t go anywhere. All you can do is curse their names as the barrel of their weapon is leveled at your forehead.

I ran into a gate camp. Two Loki’s were sitting inside one of the first lo-sec systems on my way back to the wormhole. I assumed the frigate would be able to align and warp before they could lock me up, but I was wrong. My Punisher popped, and it popped fast. I did manage to save the pod though which is what I was really worried about losing. Those implants are not cheap! The loss of the ship is annoying but nothing to cry too much over. T1 frigates are made to be lost. The rest of the trip goes off without any trouble but the HQ system seems quiet. I try to pick a fight in our static chain but to no avail. I log off and get some sleep and hope for more excitement later.

It’s two days after my gate camp run in and I’m back online to hunt. My Pilgrim ignites it’s warp engines and burns through our static connection to a small chain of about seven lo-sec systems in Amarr space. Oddly our connection is in a dead end system in the chain which is convenient since people don’t expect combat ships to just appear at the dead end of their territory. I browse through the chain, things seem very quiet. Not many pilots, and those I do find are more often than not floating in a tower’s bubble. A Legion appearing on my directional scanner keeps me on my toes but I decide to just keep moving for now anyway.

Eventually I head back to my static system to get some ratting done. My security status is still in rough shape and could definitely use a boost. I come out of warp to find a Prorator sitting uncloaked on the gate. This is a dead end system, I wonder if someone used their autopilot to get here and are not paying attention to what is happening in game. Why is it I can only find afk pilots to fight? I shed my session cloak and begin moving toward the ship while activating my own cloaking device. Suddenly another ship appears on the overview for a split second as it activates the stargate and leaves the system.

That is strange. Now I’m on edge, who was that? Why were they waiting cloaked on a stargate? Something smells fishy. I’m getting the idea that this industrial ship is bait for a hostile fleet. But blockade runners aren’t generally used for nothing. It is very possible there is some valuable loot in there and I know it’s armor won’t last long against my drones. The gate guns will be a problem though. If I start hostilities the guns will begin firing on me. This is low security space, not no-security space unfortunately. I decide to make a go for it, but I make sure that my ship is aligned to a celestial before I start attacking.

I’m within scramble range and aligned to the sun. I decloak and start up the jammer and afterburner and empty my drone bay. The ship is locked down and the Infiltrator II’s are making a joke out of the ship’s armor, but the enemy ship has locked me back and that is making me nervous that a warp disruption module is about to be trained onto my ship. I think the lock was an auto lock since no jammer appeared, and that is a relief, but just then the stargate flashes and in the same instance the Prorator’s pilot goes red to me. That’s all the cues I need and I punch the warp button. I’m not exactly sure what happened. I don’t know why the blockade runner would have gone read unless it was attacking me with something, but I wasn’t scrambled. What the heck is going on?

Either way I’ve lost five medium combat drones but I didn’t get killed. I think I’ll take that. My prey throws up some words in the local comms channel, but it smells like a ploy to get me to try attacking again even though she is no longer on my d-scanner. I don’t know what is going on but I’m done with it for now. I pick up another fleet of medium drones from a local station and then head back to the HQ. My friend is logging on and I need to get into a new Punisher and give him a hand. It may not have been a particularly profitable day, but at least it was exciting!

Slow Day at the Office

I signed in to find Nuru online and active. I check in at the corp bulletin for the latest news. It’s a quick read, not much has been going on. I upload the latest intelligence to my nav comm and give the system a quick blanket scan to see what it has to offer me this evening.

A Ladar site and two gravs. Nothing too exciting but I know we can at least make some money off of it. I hop into my gas suckling Maller and head to the Ladar site. I’m welcomed by a small fleet of Sleeper frigates and cruisers. Whoops! Looks like someone forgot to clear those out before posting the bookmark.

I short time later my Harbringer has dealt with the Sleepers. Nuru warps in with the Noctis to clean up the mess. I hang around to provide what cover I can. It all goes smoothly though and in less than time than you can shake a probe at I’m back in the cloud harvesting away.

It doesn’t take long for me to get bored, although thankfully this time I stay vigilant on the scanner. I happen to catch a Cheetah as it enters our system before it can activate its cloaking device. I pass the word on to Nuru who I thought was mining in a nearby grav site, only to find him afk at the pos when I warp back to the tower.

I don’t feel safe out there with a peeper watching me, so I grab the Pilgrim and hit the new lo-sec system we’re connected to in search of something to destroy. I spend a few hours jumping around with little to no action. I manage to find a Kestrel on the scanner in one system and narrow him down to a safe spot between two planets, but he decides to log before I am able to find his exactly position.

The only real excitement of the night comes when I warp to a gate on my way back to my home system. The warp bubble collapses just as a Prorator reaches the gate. We both jumped through at approximately the same time. I awaken on the other side of the gate just in time to see him move off and cloak. I burned towards him with drones out in an effort to find him but to no avail. Oh well. I pop a few rats in the lo sec chain and call it an early night.

Drake Party

I log on today and finally hook up with Oz and the crew. We exchange bookmarks and I gather up my missioning loot to sell in Amarr. I make a modest wage for two nights of minimal work and set the autopilot on its 14 jump course to our worm hole connection. I settle in to finish some work while I listen to Aura take my ship home.

As I’m reading through part of my spreadsheet, a more complex formula that I would have liked, I realize the sound of a webifier is clearly audible through my computer speakers. I find that interesting, I’m in hi-sec, I wonder what’s going on. I switch windows just as the first volley of fire hits my shielding.

Damn Gallente, still holding a grudge I see. My shields evaporate almost immediately and the blockade runner’s armor is no match for the Navy barrage heading my way. I target the system’s star and start spamming the warp button. Another volley of damage, my armor is gone and I can see a sliver of red on my structure overview. This is going to end badly, in fact I’ve already started cursing into my mic before the ship finally enters warp.

By the skin of my teeth I made it out of the killzone. I quickly warp back to the gate and jump through. Thank goodness the navy forces take such a long time to notice your presence! Looks like I’ll be flying manually from here on out. I safely navigate through the last of Gallente space and into the lo-sec system with a bookmark to our home wormhole system.

Back in the home system I set out to mine some gas, and attend to my planetary facilities. With no wormholes to our system other than our static lo-sec system, I’m not too worried about anyone finding me. I harvest a good amount of gas before getting too bored and decide to hop back into my ole’ faithful Pilgrim. I head out to the lo-sec system to see if I find something to shoot.

I end up in Obalyu with another pilot in local, and a Drake on d-scan. What a party pooper. I swear these drake pilots know I’m coming before I even undock. This particular lo-sec chain is odd having only two lo-sec systems before connecting with hi-sec again. I move to the next lo-sec gate and find a pair of wrecks with a few abandoned drones floating about 20km off the gate. Looks like I just missed a party. I jump through to the Parts system to find three more people in this system, and another Drake on scan. You’ve got to be kidding me! Does the Caldari State even make any other ships anymore? Before the void can not answer my question the Drake vanishes from my scanner. Hmm…

I hit some other lo-sec systems nearby while dodging the Gallente Navy. I find an empty system and decide to kill some local pirates to pass the time. A little security standings boost wouldn’t hurt, especially in this neighborhood. Soon enough the belts are cleared and it’s time to head home. I manage to catch a Hurricane finishing off a Vexor at one of the lo-sec gates. I figure I have a decent chance at taking the Hurricane with two tracking disruptors fitted, but decide against it with the amount of traffic in the local comm channel. I warp back into my worm hole and pack it in for the night.